Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man

Because of its Westinghouse something something propulsion system, a commuter train in California, which requires a minimum stopping distance of 625 feet, ran over three trash bags, a piece of gum, a snickers wrap, a man and a glove before coming to a complete stop. Luckily, as autistic reporter Michael Falk reports, the accident left no structural damage to the train, which should continue regular service once the human remains of blood and brains are hosed off...

Yes, this is what I end up doing sometimes when I'm awake at four in the morning... and not drinking...