Physicists Confirm They Found and Killed the 'God Particle'

Virtually since the inception of its moniker, many atheists have hated the fact that the Higgs Boson, a theoretical subatomic particle thought to be responsible for attributing mass to matter, has been referred to as the "God Particle."

But as The Onion reports, they may finally have reason to celebrate, as news have been revealed that physicists have finally found, and then killed, that goddamn particle...

But if you actually want to get an idea of what the Higgs Boson and the Higgs Field are, you can check out the LHC tag, or just watch this short clip with the awesome Sean Carroll:

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Abusive Obsessive-Compulsive Has to Punch Wife Exactly 20 Times

You're probably already aware that having a mental disorder is a nightmare in its own right, but have you ever wondered what it would be like to have multiple mental disorders at once? The folks at The Onion have:

In that case, if she's not making mistakes in sets of 20 all at once, the beatings are kind of her fault, right? :)

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Horrifying Planet - Zebra: Nature's Ultimate Prey

When it comes to the philosophical problem of evil (the question of how an omnipotent and benevolent God would allow unnecessary suffering to exist), religious believers tend to argue that suffering is a necessary consequence of our having free will: sure, our freedom does tend to produce all kinds of nightmares every now and then, but overall, the net benefits of having free will outweigh the bad.

Whatever merit that answer may have (it doesn't), it's a great distraction from what philosophers call "natural" evil: the suffering created by non-human related causes: things like disease, animal suffering, earthquakes, etc., and the suffering and destruction experienced by non-human animals. So how do you explain that?

Well, The Onion thinks that you can do it through Intelligent (but evil) Design :)

I bet zebras hate giraffes and ostriches :)

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U.S. Teens Lead World in Teen Pregnancy-Test Scores

Say what you will about our alarming rate of science illiteracy, the decay of our political discourse, the brainwashing and mindlessness of our entertainment industry... We may be lagging behind in a lot of different areas, but there are some things at which we Americans are still number 1!  USA!  USA!?  USA??

I bet these girls didn't even study and still got positive scores on their tests!

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Doctor-Patient Relationship Getting Serious

Human knowledge starts with experience, but it doesn't end there. We use the data of our experience to come up with theories and explanations for those experiences, so that we can make sense of them and so that we can compare, contrast and contextualize them in terms of all the other things we know.

In philosophy, we sometimes like to talk about the idea of an "inference to the best explanation," and as The Onion shows in the hilarious piece below, some people miss out on the "best" part :)

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Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

Because of all their awkwardness and social ineptitude, and due to their literalist interpretation of things, autistic people may often seem to be blind to a reality that's obvious to the rest of us. But sometimes that's a two-way street because they can often see as obvious what the rest of us may be blissfully unaware of or willfully blind to...

And almost no one can strike that perfect balance between making you feel uncomfortable about your own views and making you laugh hysterically the way The Onion can:

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Romney to Travel Back in Time to Kill Liberal Version of Himself

If you are a Republican, you're probably not all that thrilled with your presidential candidate Mitt Romney, what with more flip-flopping on political issues than a patient with multiple-personality disorder on meth. It looks like this guy will say anything for votes.

But if you're concerned about all the inconsistencies, fear not. The Onion reports that Conservative Romney plans to travel back in time to kill younger Liberal Romney and finally escape from the liberal precedents that have been haunting him for the past few years. And if you're concerned with a grandfather paradox type of scenario (in which current Romney would cease to exist were he to kill a younger version of himself), it looks as though that will not actually be quite the problem you might have thought :)

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Scientists Discover Delicious New Species

Scientifically approved yumminess, thanks to The Onion!

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Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man

Because of its Westinghouse something something propulsion system, a commuter train in California, which requires a minimum stopping distance of 625 feet, ran over three trash bags, a piece of gum, a snickers wrap, a man and a glove before coming to a complete stop. Luckily, as autistic reporter Michael Falk reports, the accident left no structural damage to the train, which should continue regular service once the human remains of blood and brains are hosed off...

Yes, this is what I end up doing sometimes when I'm awake at four in the morning... and not drinking...

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Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried as a Black Adult

We in America have something of a tarnished history when it comes to inequality, what with slavery, racism, institutional discrimination, etc.

Still, we rightly affirm the value of this ideal, and are constantly working to make sure we do not discriminate against people simply on the basis of morally irrelevant criteria, like people's ability or inability to withstand sunlight and tan, or whether they happen to have been born with male or female genitalia.

So, it is with great patriotic pride, pleasure and promise that The Onion reports we're making historic strides to make sure people are treated equally, starting with the fact a white girl accused of a brutal murder will now be tried as a black man :)

"This is America... nobody deserves to be treated like a black man." Classic!

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Landmark Civil Rights Act Made Racism Slightly Less Overt

As we start to celebrate Black History Month, The Onion wants to make sure we remember key historical events that a nation proud of its rich and diverse cultural heritage should never forget.

One such event is the Civil Rights Act, that landmark piece of legislation that finally made it illegal to openly discriminate against black people and women.

Of course, if you could get creative and indirect in your discrimination of these minorities, then that's a completely different story. Then, you're a creative person who should be allowed to freely express that racist creativity in novel, interesting, inconspicuous and unexpected ways. Can I get an Amen?! :)

Why not check the Martin Luther King, Jr. tag while you're here?

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Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

On its surface, the political and economic philosophy of libertarianism sounds very promising because it appeals to values we all esteem highly: individual rights, freedom, personal responsibility, merit, etc.

For all its growing popularity, however, libertarianism is deeply flawed. There are many ways to show this. One is through careful and rigorous conceptual analysis carried out by philosophers such as John Rawls.

Another is to let The Onion do the work in less than a minute:

Also, ma' house was burning :)

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Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

Ok, now I'm confused... I thought The Onion was supposed to be fake news...

This just in: The Psychic Headquarters have been closed due to unforeseen reasons :)

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GOP Race Heats Up as Comatose Candidate Steals Thunder

While many of the current GOP presidential hopefuls have recently found themselves in the middle of embarrassing controversies (like spending countless weekends hunting on camp "Niggerhead," or facing accusations of sexual harassment, or denying the validity of scientific research, or finding themselves in the middle of multi-billion dollar corruption schemes, or being responsible for the execution of innocent people, or just for being either boring as hell or bat-shit insane), The Onion reports that Congressman John Clarkson has kept himself away from controversies for the past eight years by being in a coma.

But as one should have expected, it wouldn't take long for Clarkson to be involved in a sex scandal of his own...

Sources confirm that GOP candidate Herman Cain is thrilled that Clarkson has diverted the pervert spotlight off him, even if only temporarily :)

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Morbid Curiosity Leading Many Voters to Support Palin

I know she's not running now... my hopes for a 2012 Palin/Bachmann dream team ticket have now been ruined, but I wouldn't be surprised if we somehow managed to vote her in just out of a morbid sense of curiosity to see just how bad things could actually get if this bimbo were in office.

The Onion reports that, in fact, this is exactly what the American electorate would probably do:

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Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans to Live Faster, Die Younger

One thing that has become so crystal clear even the blind can see it,  is that while Republicans appeal to American values, love of country, the Founding Fathers and so on, they don't really give a shit about average people like you and me. They are mercenaries who have sold their souls to do the work of greedy multi-billion dollar corporations whose wealth has been built on the backs of ordinary people.

The thing that gets me is not even their misaligned interests, though: it's the dishonesty. So you can imagine how much I would prefer it if they had the balls to try to pass legislation that only The Onion is honest and ballsy enough to propose:

Now that's American! :)

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India's Top Physicists Develop Plan to Get the Hell Out of India

A new Manhattan (or maybe London) Project is coming!

I wonder if they'll outsource their call centers :)
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Massive Snowstorm Leaves Thousands Without Access to Porn

So I guess that Mother Nature decided to fuck with everyone this April's Fools and snow on our parade.

Now, you may be thinking that since the internet is for porn (obviously!), a snowstorm is the perfect opportunity to stay home and watch porn all day without getting fired, but The Onion reports that the power outage that's about to ensue is going to make that just about impossible...

If I were you, I'd pay attention to Jesse Jane in more ways than one to figure out what to do :)

Do you have your porn kit ready? :)
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Jury Selection Proving Difficult in Trial of "The Jury Killer"

You may have concocted some strategy at some point to get out of jury duty, and if you've ever been prosecuted for some crime you (allegedly) committed, your lawyer may have had some say in the jury selection process, but only The Onion can come up with a plan to guarantee that no jury ever dares mess with you :)

Genius... :)
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Annual Valentine's Day Stoning of Annoyingly Happy Couple

As we all know, today is the day everyone gets to celebrate the commercialization of love, and lovers all around the world get a whole day (minus all the time it takes them to sleep and go to work) to make up for taking their loved ones for granted the rest of the year. This is also the day those really annoying couples who are normally all up on each other's business get to flaunt their co-dependent obsession to the rest of the world.

I know what you're thinking... wouldn't it be great if this day also included a tradition involving stoning at least one of those disgustingly annoying couples to death? Well, wish no more, The Onion has listened to your prayers...

And if that reminded you of Shirley Jackson's macabre short story "The Lottery," have a listen:

Or you can read the original story as it appeared in The New Yorker, and if you're still hungry for more, why don't you check out the literature tag?
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